The last time I cried

was 6 days ago.

It was during a 1 on 1 with Timo, our CTO. Oli and Lukasz had told him that I seem to be feeling much better about my work these days. That is true. Ironically, it prompted me to tears.

The thing is, I cry a lot. Me crying is not a special event. I have cried to almost every friend, colleague, and boss I’ve worked with.

More specifically, I’ve cried about every thing that is important to me. In university, because my grade in an exam threatened my magna cum laude status. In my first job, because I didn’t know how to create a “model” in Excel (even if it was my first week on the job and nobody has taught me to). In my last job, even if I was doing a great job, because I wasn’t doing things that could single-handedly make the company successful (I didn’t realize how silly this was until I wrote it.)

I have researched how to “solve” it. I think the suggested solution was to shift your focus to something else. For example, a specific spot in the room, like the wall behind the person you are talking to. Or to bite your lip to shift from emotional to physical pain. Anyway, it doesn’t work.

At this point, I’ve quit trying to stop crying. Crying doesn’t make one less effective. In fact, my best colleagues see it as evidence of how much I care about my work.